I had never known anyone to die before.
At 10:30 a.m., one half-hour before I had to cover a Republican Convention my boss called me.
“Are you calling me to remind me about that convention?” I said.
No. and then he said something I could barely understand.
I asked him what and he spoke a little louder.
“Tina’s Ryan was killed in a motorcycle accident,” he said.
“What?”
“We’re telling everyone in the office. Tina will probably be gone a little while.”
“We have to do something,” I said.
“We will.”
After the conversation I didn’t know what to do. I was trying not to cry the whole time, but when he hung up I cried.
The story of Tina and Ryan
When I came to Monmouth I didn’t have any money or any place to stay. Tina from the ad department took me in. If it weren’t for her I don’t think I could have held a job after graduation. Her son was 22, about six feet tall, stout and he rode a Harley Davidson. He tried to get me to hang out with him a couple times, but I was too busy with work. I was trying to stay away from any drinking/distractions. Now, I feel like I blew him off. I also feel like since I’m a couple years older I could have been a good influence and maybe he wouldn’t have ridden so dangerously.
I have no idea how Tina is going to handle this. She took pride in him the way only a mother could. She use to brag about his many girlfriends. As a evangelical Christian I doubt she thought it was a good thing, but she cared so much about him she couldn’t believe anything he did was really wrong. I think he complicated her view of right and wrong. And I think she always believed that he would one day settle down and she would have a close family. Now that will never happen.
Back in the present
After the phone call with Matt my brain was disoriented. I could picture an image of Ryan in my head. That image exists in my brain, but there’s no person that it represents anymore. How can he be in my head and not in the world?
And then I thought of Tina. Tina helps people. Why did this happen?
The world continued going. I had to cover an event at 11 a.m. and I didn’t want to. I felt like I was riding in a subway with the world fizzing by me and nothing made any sense.
In the blur, I realized I didn’t have a seat belt. I should wear a seat belt. I never wear a seat belt, but at that time it felt like the most important thing in the world.
But what didn’t seem important was a Republic Convention or my job. When I got to the convention the Sheriff told me there had been a fatal accident. I told him I knew. I talked to a Congressman and a man running for Senator. I didn’t really care. They talked about the importance of fiscal austerity, Democrats and whether or not they’re a negative party. In the days ahead all these things will matter again, but right now all that matters is that the people I care about are happy.
Back at the office, I tried to work, but I couldn’t focus. A butterfly fluttered around outside the window. I scrutinized it as it patted against the window. I wondered if he was trying to communicate with me. I decided that was crazy, but I wasn’t really sure. I told him I wish he would never die and sat down at my desk to write. I felt helpless.
